Yes, we gave it plenty of buildup, now it is time to enjoy reading the story, Fancy Pants!
I received in the mail, as it happened by chance
An invitation to go to a dance.
Now, everyone knows that in this part of France
If you go to the dance, you must wear fancy pants.
So I went to the closet, and looked through my stuff
But none of my pants-es were fancy enough.
Not this pair! Not that pair! They won’t do the trick!
I needed new pants, and I needed them quick.
So I hurried away to the department store,
Hopped on the elevator, and chose the right floor.
Third floor – second floor – down to the bottom;
My stop was a shop that was called Pants – We’ve Got ‘Em.
The man at the store met me right at the door
And said to me, “Welcome sir! Welcome some more!
I say, if it’s pants that you’ve come looking for,
Pants We’ve Got ‘Em has got pants galore!
(My name is McTweed, and I’ll find what you need.”)
I’ve got wide pants and small, I’ve got long pants and tall.
I’ve got khaki pants, tacky pants – I’ve got them all.
Pants for fishing, for sleeping, for going to the zoo,
If you need pants for dancing, well, I’ve got those too.”
“That’s just what I need,” I said to McTweed,
“Fancy pants for the dance, yes indeed! Yes, indeed!
Now, I know that your store has got pants galore,
So please show me dance pants in size thirty-four.”
“Thirty-four….thirty-four,” he said thoughtfully,
Then glanced back at a pants rack, and his eyes filled with glee.
“Why, the Thirty-Four Rack at the back, yes-iree!
It’s just what you need!” cried McTweed, “Follow me!”
The first pair I saw there at the back of the store
Made me say “There’s no way these are size thirty-four!”
McTweed agreed, and he said with a smile,
“That pair right there is the thirty-four legged style.”
I said, “Thirty-four legged pants just will not do.
I would use only two legs, and waste thirty-two!”
McTweed put the pants back, and said, “That is true.
Now here is a pair that’s more suited to you.
“These have thirty-four buttons!” I said to McTweed.
“That’s many more buttons than I’ll ever need.”
“Let’s get back on track,” he said, “Put those slacks back.
There’s plenty more thirty-fours here on the rack.”
“How about thirty-four stripes? Or thirty-four spots?
Perhaps ones with thirty-four pink polka dots?
Thirty-four beltloops? Thirty-four pleats?
Here’s some with thirty-four holes in their seats!”
Finally, I said, “All of these pants are neat,
But I’m not looking for pants with holes in the seat,
Or ones with extra legs, buttons, or spots,
Extra pleats, extra stripes, or pink polka dots.”
“I just need some pants to wear to the dance.
The pair that I wear must be fancy pants.
Now, I see on the rack there is only one more,
Tell me, McTweed, are they size thirty-four?”
“They are! They are! Try them on! They will fit!
Fancy dance pants. This is it! This is it!
And it was, and they were, and they fit perfectly.
They were snazzy and jazzy, they were something to see.
They were shiny and yellow, like a banana peel,
They had a glide-ish, slip slide-ish, banana-ish feel.
I said, “These are just the pants I’m looking for,
And I think I’ll just wear them right out of the store.”
So I thanked McTweed, paid him, and rushed out the door,
For I knew the dance started at eight-fifty four.
I had fancy pants and I just couldn’t wait.
There were dances to dance, and I would not be late!
When I got to the dance hall, there was no one in sight.
No banners, no balloons, no people, no light.
All I could see was a note on the door.
It said, “Dance has been cancelled – we don’t know what for.”
“Well, I came to dance!” said I, “And I will!”
So I danced from the dance hall, and danced down the hill.
I tapped and I shuffled, I skipped, and I hopped.
Through crowds and through traffic, I could not be stopped.
I danced over tables, and on top of chairs,
Up and down towers, and through the town squares.
And whenever folks saw me, as I danced through France,
I could hear them all say, “Those are some fancy pants!”