What’s all this about making tighty whiteys look good? Ok, well, here you are despite the warning! I hope you had your lunch already; don’t want to spoil anybody’s appetite. Just kidding! I have to say, and I think you will agree, that I DO make these undies look great!
Aww, now don’t they look nice all folded and neat in the drawer? Told you so! Hey, now stop looking at my drawers! What is wrong with you anyway. To follow is a “brief” little ditty about some undies that don’t look so good…. (Proceed with caution. Then again, you came this far, didn’t you?)
The Undies Song
How many times has this happened to you?
You woke up in the morning, you had lots you had to do.
Brush the teeth; brush the hair; Cap’n Crunch; get out the door –
You weren’t paying no attention to the skivvies that you wore.
Hit the highway in your Hyundai, you’re just minding your own biz,
But that Caddy’s gotta cut ya– you know how stupid traffic is.
You hit the horn, you hit the brakes, you hear a screech, you hear a BOOM!
The airbag’s coming atcha like some oversized mushroom.
You wake up in the ER thinking ‘bout your underwear!
Saying, “Why, why, couldn’t I have worn a better pair?”
Could have been Hanes, maybe Joe Boxer,
Or was it Fruit Of the Loom?
Oh well, you can’t change none of that
In the emergency room!
Those old tighty whiteys should have been incinerated,
Way off-white, gotta racing stripe,
And they’re too well ventilated!
So the nurses snip and peel, and somebody says, “EWWWWWW!”
And then somebody giggles — Hey! They’re laughing at YOU!
So now you learned your lesson;
Too bad you had to pay the price.
Go on and dress just like a mess,
But wear some undies that are nice!
THE END
Author’s Note: As it turns out, when a previous edit of this song was released back in the day, it wound up spawning what was known as the Hippety Hoppity movement, which I convinced everyone to later shorten. I don’t want to take all the credit, but The Undies Song started it all. (Don’t bother Googling it; the song was titled something else back then.. and I … forget what it was.)
So long for now!
G. Applegary
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