It’s time, I think. By now, I really ought to have some measure of collected wisdom to share with the world. I also figure I’d better document it before I forget it all. You probably will read some of these and say, “MY Dad said that!” Or possibly, “Methuselah’s Dad said that!” Anyways, I can’t say I always applied this advice to the fullest, but I learned a lot from Mom and Dad, (Much love!) , from others, from the school of sharp raps on the head, and so forth. (Some came from my own wacky mind; sorry for those ones!) Here’s some choice nuggets: some you may use, some not. You may wish you HAD used the ones you hadn’t. Or no. Ready? Here we go:
- Don’t do your thinking in the shower; you’re wasting water! Get in, get wet, get clean, and get OUT.
- Closely related to #1. In the shower is no time for a Beach Boys medley. Nobody within earshot ever seems to appreciate it.
- In the shower IS a good place to blow your nose. Well, it IS.
- Plain yogurt is NOT vanilla yogurt.
- Trim your nails OUTSIDE. No cleanup! (I think it helps the plants grow, too.. though that’s not scientifically proven… at least not on MY site.)
- When shoes go on sale, stock up. Stack ’em in the closet, and you have them when you need them.
- Walk on the stripes in a parking lot. When you walk through the middle of parking spaces, you’re treading through untold gobs and gobs of collected oil, grease, radiator dripping etc. It will ruin your shoes quicker, and you’ll track goo into wherever you’re going.
- You can watch Sesame Street at ANY age.
- Plantains are NOT bananas.
- Don’t talk with food in your mouth. It’s rude, PLUS if you talk between bites, you’ll eat slower and probably eat less. NOT that I’m saying you need to eat less.
- Don’t sit on your glasses. And especially don’t sit on DAD’S glasses!
- Chew with your mouth closed. Not everyone is a see-food lover.
- Between my brother and I, we have a full wit.
- Evidently, saying “I didn’t hear you calling me the first two times” is incriminating.
- Do as you’re told WHEN you’re told. (There is probably a desk somewhere with this engraved in it; I had to write this sentence probably thousands of times growing up.)
- The grinder in Dad’s garage is for sharpening the lawn mower blade, NOT taking the fuzz off of tennis balls.
- I can make 2/3 of a pun: the P U.
- Feeding Grandma’s potato salad to the dog = Early bedtime.
- You WILL sit there until you clean your plate. And don’t expect dessert if you claimed to be too full to finish dinner.
- It’s fun to rap a large Frosty on the table at Wendy’s until the air bubble in it pops. However, there is a .05% chance that when it does, you might hit Dad with a blob of ice cream. If THAT happens, there is a 100% chance that you will NOT be getting a Frosty next time. And even if you don’t go to Wendy’s for a long time after, there is a 100% chance that Dad will remember that you don’t get a Frosty. *Personal observation: When YOU don’t get any ice cream, it seems to take everyone else twice as long to finish theirs, and they seem to enjoy it twice as much.
- Don’t try asking both Mom and Dad the same thing. Evidently they discuss stuff.
- When you’re playing hoops and you have a fast break, fake the layup left handed. Someone will ALWAYS go for the block as you lay it in right-handed. I have seen Dad do this successfully 100% of the time, probably hundreds of times.
- Don’t laugh when Dad uses the word “pithy” during lunch. It is NOT a funny word. Hehehe.
- Put the empty Fudgsicle box back in the freezer if you never want to ever have another Fudgsicle again.
- Just because your cousins get away with it does not mean you will.
- Wear loafers. Shoelace-tying is overrated.
- You’re going to wish the Dean HAD been allowed to paddle you at school.
- If you tell a joke and everyone groans, immediately name the person who told you the awful joke. If everyone laughs, it’s YOUR joke!
- Doing your age in pullups has a very small window of opportunity.
- Go outside and play!
- A half-truth is the same as a lie.
- The only good snake is a headless snake.
- Enjoy the art of the UN-rhyme. Examples: “Hector, Hector, the garbage…MAN,” and, “Sam, Sam, the garbage.. COLLECTOR.” This works really well when you’re reading Dr. Seuss out loud, or, not coincidentally, when reading my rhyming stories out loud. Here’s an example, from “Fancy Pants:” “I received in the mail, as it happened by CHANCE, an invitation to go to a DANCE. Now everyone knows that in this part of FRANCE, if you go to the DANCE you must wear fancy….. TROUSERS!” (Laughter here, at the un-rhyme.) Anyways.
- “You’re a poet, and don’t even know it; but your feet really show it…. Cause they’re such Longfellows.”
- Don’t PULL the pushbroom. (I really don’t know why I tried this; it could have something to do with the fact that when I was little and would drop something near the wall, I would bend over and whack my head.)
- A football or basketball doesn’t wear out for a long, long time. We kept worn smooth basketballs for yard games, and Dad even invented games to play with the inner rubber bladder of footballs and basketballs long after the cover had worn out.
- When you gargle, spit out the mouthwash into the toilet. It MUST kill SOME bacteria, plus it kinda looks like you might have scrubbed the toilet. Let’s face it, you need the credit however you can get it.
- A lot of people will forget instructions you gave them just moments ago, however, if you yell at them, say something really mean, or make an embarrassing faux pas, they will remember that for years and years. And years.
- It’s only funny when done to someone else.
- Don’t wad your dirty socks into a ball. Seems nobody likes un-wadding dirty socks.
- Speaking of socks, whoever came up with the idea of turning them inside out after a day and wearing them again is probably single. Or about to be.
- Wedgie not, lest you be wedgied.
- Straight from Mom: “Root beer barrels are just the right size to choke on.”
- You can use static electricity to stick your socks to the ceiling, if you have the right kind of ceiling, with humorous effect. Degree of difficulty increases with cathedral ceilings.
- (Optional for ladies:) Even on days you don’t shave, make ’em wonder. Splash on some Aqua Velva anyways. There’s just something about it.
- Sorry, but ketchup, pickles, and olives in your martini: NOT vegetables.
- When you hear your middle name, either Mom is mad at you, you are a serial killer, or an assasin. Why do they even have them.
- It’s OK to admit you like Milli Vanilli, New Kids on the Block, or Dustin Beeble. As long as you follow it up with “Just kidding!”
- Brush your tongue once a day, just like you brush your tooth.
- Pickled beets taste NOTHING like sweet pickles, or any sort of pickle at all. Why do they even have them.
Well, that’s it for now. Once you have these down pat, let me know. I’ll give you more to work on then.
POSTED ON November 12, 2010 BY Gary Applegary
