Archive for the ‘I No Monkey!’ Category
Posted on January 6, 2011 - by Gary Applegary
I No Monkey, Noah!
AUTHOR’S NOTE: While this story might borrow loosely (very loosely) from both the Genesis Flood account and Shel Silverstein’s “The Unicorn,” (recorded as a song in 1967 by the Irish Rovers, thanks, Wikipedia!) the author would like to assure you that the following story is not intended to supplement, correct, or really have any correlation with either account. Just read and enjoy!
I No Monkey, Noah!
Well, it came to be that a voice from above
Came down to Noah, and gave him a shove.
And the voice and the shove let Noah know,
It was time to giddy-up, get gone, GO!
(THUNDER..)
Noah, standing at ark’s doorway: “Yak… Yeti…. Zebra…
Well, that’s just about that, everybody, everything, in?”
Ham chases an emu down the ramp, around the ark, and back inside.
Noah: “Ham! Sheesh. Okay, well that does it.”
Grunted voice: “Pardon meself…”
Noah: “Hmmmm…. Well… what we have here… ANOTHER monkey. Sorry, Mr. Monkey, but we’re pretty much stocked up on monkeys here.” Ham rushes by, slips on banana peel. “Yes, VERY well stocked.”
(Not?) Monkey: “I NO MONKEY!”
Noah: “No? You don’t say… well, I’ve got a couple here that look juuuuuust like you… except for the party hat.”
(Monkey?) in party hat: “I NO MONKEY!”
(MORE THUNDER, LOUDER, MUCH CLOSER…)
Noah (sounding just a bit rushed): “Well, I’ve got to get inside now…”
As-yet-not-quite-definitely-identified creature: “ME TOO!”
Noah: “Ohhhhh-kay… So what ARE you, then?”
“UMICORN!”
Noah: “Well, now… How did I miss that? Of course! Not a monkey in a party hat at all, no… but a Umicorn. Well… I don’t have a Umicorn on the ark, that’s for sure.”
Umicorn (starting up ramp): “WOO WOO!”
Noah: “Now, wait here, just a second… I need TWO Umicorns for this cruise, SO… you’d best hurry up and round up the Missus before we shut this here door!”
WHOOSH! (Umicorn is off like a shot.) Sky is quickly darkening.
Noah: “Okay, guys, help me pull up the ramp, and be quick! I think I just felt a drop!”
Ham is riding a donkey around the ark, chasing after the emu.
Noah: “Ham, get off that ass and help me here! Sheesh!”
The ramp is finally pulled up –
AND THE DOOR WAS SHUT.
Pitter patter on the roof –
THUMP THUMP THUMP!
Ham: “Who’s…” — Noah, quickly interrupting, “Ignore it! It’s that party monkey, no doubt.”
THUMPITY THUMP THUMP!
Noah: “WHO is it? Not that silly monkey in the party hat, I don’t suppose?”
Mystery outside voice: “I KNOW!”
Noah: “Good, I’m glad you know.. We’ll be floating off soon, so… why don’t you let ME know?”
Voice: “I know! I KNOW!”
Noah: “You know WHAT?!”
Voice: I NO MONKEY!
THE END
P.S. Flingyflood!
Posted on October 10, 2010 - by Gary Applegary
Give Me Job!
Well, as the title makes clear, our monk… that is to say, MAIN character is in need of employment. Let’s see how he does! 
Author’s Note: Again, we must apologize for the “flingypoop!” This has GOT to stop. Also, apologies to the fine Harris Teeter grocery chain. This in no way implies that you are not an Equal Opportunity Employer.
Posted on October 10, 2010 - by Gary Applegary
I No Monkey: The Beginning
This is the first installment of what I hope definitively proves that monkeys are ALWAYS funny. In this case, we seem to have a character who consistenly insists that he is NOT a monkey. Is he? Is he no monkey? You, the reader, are left to decide. Enjoy! Have a banana split while you’re at it. Mmmm, bananas….
Author’s note: Sorry about the “flingypoop!” Let’s hope it won’t happen again…